When our own wounds creep in… fear of rejection, fear of being different, fear of being unaccepted, fear to show our true self, fear to say what we want to say, and so much more… we often shut down because of the courage it took to put ourselves out there was instantly overwhelming, and maybe right in front of us is someone saying they love you, saying they admire you, showing they care, showing they’re not like those that have hurt us in the past, showing they are hurting too.
Yet, we may still be in overwhelm with every cell in our body screaming…
“BUT YOU DON’T KNOW THE COURAGE I AM SHOWING RIGHT NOW– THIS IS NOT EASY FOR ME!!”
We built up so much courage to stand in front of someone and get vulnerable, often with this Disney-like fantasy of how things were going to go and we are crashing from our own expectations because emotional meetings rarely go as thought.
Coming from an abusive marriage carries a lot of wounds. Years of self-discovery, letting go and doing the work on yourself to become whole again. It’s priceless, excruciating, liberating and completely hard to explain to anyone unless they’ve experienced it too. Maybe they have, and without knowing, you’re mirroring each others demons. Equally willing, equally fearful and equally good on your own in your little box of… but not trying is safe because I won’t get hurt. Aka, living small.
However, being okay on your own is one thing. Stepping back into a place of vulnerability where you want to share yourself with someone new stirs up those fears. No matter how much work, no matter how whole you are, no matter how balanced you’ve become, no matter how “good” you are, no matter how ready you are…
There they are. The fears.. The wounds.
We are not the only ones walking around with battle-scars.
That’s the place I don’t want to live anymore, the known. Sure, the known is safe… it’s also an endless cycle of… well, the known. Nothing new, nothing exciting, nothing terrifying, and nothing exceptional, no potential for extraordinary. The best life, our best lives live outside our comfort zone. Often WAY outside our comfort zone.
Magic, love and wholehearted living swim in the ocean of uncertainty.
Magic lives when you open up to possibility and say… Fuck you comfort zone! I want the dream!
We are not the only ones wanting to fall into the arms of safety knowing we can swim freely within the ocean of a new love. Yet, we don’t know how whole they are, what their thoughts on love are, what their own fears of love are, what battle-wounds they’ve acquired.
My visions of love and my practice of self-love is more Disney-like than society-like. Quite frankly I think society’s way of showing us what love is — well, it’s phony, it’s fabricated, it’s institutionalized, it’s bitter and jaded. I’m not delusional either. I know I’m a dreamer. I’m also an innovator, a success at bringing magic into the lives of those I coach, mentor, lead, parent, etc… I’m the square-peg in a round hole of people calling bullshit on fantastical love and quite frankly I don’t care. I call bullshit on your lack of faith in love. I firmly believe we make our world, we create our life… and therefore if a love that is fantastical, magical, full, mutually respectful, effortless and whole is my belief… then that is what I will create.
The secret ingredient must be… the partner that’s equally passionate about that love and creativity.
I’ve had people say… it’s never like the movies, Jenn, it’s hard-work and complicated and blah, blah, blah. Sure, love of any human being, a friend, a child, a lover, a parent, a sibling… relationships require navigation, adjusting sails, creating space, honoring, respect, compromise, etc… so does my job, yet I don’t even define my job as “work”. It flows as naturally as a river. So should love.
Love exists in a place of vulnerability. It’s an ocean I swim in deeply. My ocean of love has been creating self-love and healing. Creating compassion for others, compassion for those that are capable of wounding others and mostly creating compassion for myself.. my mistakes, my human condition. Forgiveness for my persecutors. Letting go. It still doesn’t change the fact that the moment of thinking that you want someone else to swim those waters with you, you may freeze and think holy-shit is this going to fuck-up my waters?
What if they are like the others? What if they don’t know what love is?
If in those moments, our fears of lack, low self-worth, the past, others that have hurt us, others that have objectified us, others that have said we are worthless… it’s in those moments we can allow our demons to show themselves. To cry them out, to choose love, to see love and to look at the now. This present moment. This vulnerable person that’s in front of us hoping you will see them like you’ve never seen another. To trust them. To finally trust yourself.
Maybe they haven’t known what love is. Maybe you don’t fully know yet yourself.
Life is full of uncertainty. I have made some really stupid decisions just because I needed to be certain. Even showing up to declare love is not going to get you certainty. It is going to get you out of your comfort zone and no matter how the other person feels, it’s going to liberate another level of love for yourself. It’s going to say… I love! I love big and I’m not afraid to show it. It might just create space for others to get courageous too. To take a chance. To see the ocean you’ve created for yourself and think… damn, that’s how I want to live.
We can never be certain. Life is full of change. It is full of uncertainty. It’s also full of opportunities for you to create your best life, to take action and make things happen for yourself. Let’s not let fear keep us from love. I’m all in if you are!
When someone in front of you is saying… I love you too and you’re so shut down that you can’t hear them, so afraid of those assholes that said it before and were completely incapable of love. When all you can focus on is how painful it is to tell someone you love them, how full of fear it makes you… but you did it anyway, I can promise you that when the dust settles, no matter the outcome… you have leaned in to the possibility of wholehearted living. You have made space for yourself to be yourself and to have someone love you just as you are, in all of your glory and wounds alike. Bravo you!