…..Interrupted by a call from work. Something requires my attention. I take the call, however this is the time I have created to write. It’s nonnegotiable me time. I know that I need to help, yet it can wait so I respond in kind and say… “I can get to it in a couple of hours”
I’ve written for an hour and a half. The phone was a good interruption and now I will switch from book to blog and get my voice out there.
My distraction is gone so now the mind runs rampant. I look up to the balcony across the street, my heart aches, my stomach lurches, my lungs seize and I feel I can’t breathe. How is it that I can’t go any time at all without thinking of him? How is it that I love him so strongly today, as I always have, even after he has clearly left me? Where is the logic that every time the door opens I wish he would walk in? He lives over an hour from here, he would never come here. He’s not coming back. My imagination fills in the gaps when reality is not what you want it to be.
I guess that is a form of evolution, letting my imagination run instead of assumptions. I must deal in facts. He has made a choice to be out of my life, my heart simply won’t turn off. Two facts, no logic. Love is indeed blind and I am still in it.
I briefly thought I would even venture back into the dating world. Mind you, only one of these relationships I write about was found online. I have MUCH better luck out in the world and meeting men in person. That’s a spiritual thing to me, an energy thing, a chemistry thing. However, despite the topic of this book, it’s not like me at all to share myself freely and unless there is a strong connection. It doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes either to notice that my affairs have been linked to travel. At home I have had one job since my divorce, my kids! They have taken priority and taking the time to make sure all of our emotions were healed as best as possible, I have not dated at home. They are just now at the ages where I think that it’s time and not only ok to date, they want me to.
The online thing… The likes and comments and messages received were equally flattering and repulsive. At the end of the day, I am not there. I’m not ready, and they are not him. I’m floundering completely within lost love. Yet, I am me. I turn tragedy into triumph, and I turn loss into wisdom. Today I write and allow the love that poured into me through him to create.
All I can do is write. All I can do is love.
Now is the perfect time to take you along on the journey and share with you all the loves of my life after divorce. Every woman needs to hear that there are men out there that bring out the best in us, that ignite the flames of passion and help us feel worthy, desired and appreciated. Especially if you’ve experienced a toxic or abusive marriage as I did. His only goal was to tear me down. It’s time to share those that helped me put myself back together again. Through travel, unexpected encounters, spiritual endeavors, great sex and a lot of risking my heart… I found magick!
I reached out to one of these men back in March and asked if I could write about our experience together. He wholeheartedly said, “YES! Write away!” I love that I remain connected in some ways to past loves that have turned into friendship, or mere acquaintance, like another one I reached out to just last week. You see, when I reached out back in March my goal was to start the book. I proceeded to start the blog, write about all sorts of other things. Then I fell in love in June. How could I dredge up all of those thoughts in the eyes of this new love? I knew I could not, I would not. This love felt different than all of those.
Here it is almost October and as I’ve already written about, he’s not here and that love is gone from me.
These other men are all saying, “Yes. Write… and send me a link.” It feels good to have that support and appreciation. None of these men are for me now, this I know for sure and for certain. They have, however, come into my life with lessons to learn and fun to be had. It’s been liberating, intoxicating, hurtful and unforgettable. The one I want, the one I love, is out of the picture and doesn’t respond at all. That silence speaks volumes, so now I will write.
It’s as if the Universe is screaming, “Write that book!” And now I have more love to share along with the other stories. Here it begins, the stories of love after divorce, the adventure, the beauty, the ugliness, the sacred and the sin. I’ve loved a lot and I’ve experienced some of the greatest moments with some truly amazing men.
Come with me on this journey into Self. From a lower-than-low moment in Las Vegas… that for you won’t stay in Vegas any longer… to a Spiritual journey lasting a decade with the Chopra Center, to a whirlwind magical affair in London that put to good use all of my yoga skills, -you can do what in a handstand? – , to a sacred union in California that was decadent, sweet and surreal, to that Ohio guy, the married friend, all the way up to here, a coffee house near home with a raw, real and vulnerable broken heart. *Oh wait, also the Albanian … I almost forgot about him, not really I guess, yet I did. I’ll shoot him a text or email and although it’s been 5yrs since I saw him and probably two or three since we spoke, he’s always quick to respond and I know his first question, as always, will be, “When are you coming back to Europe?” That accent, wow, and a truly great story about following your intuition and letting it lead to the right place at the right time. It’s not all about sex, believe me. These encounters have taught me a lot about myself, humanity, love, friendship, experience and living fully despite society and it’s judgement.
… and these experiences are just after my divorce 7 years ago.
A drop in the bucket of love for over 48yrs of living.
Through sharing we heal, ourselves and each other. My wish is to inspire, to encourage, to get you out of yourself and into your life, your sexuality, your deepest love-affair with yourSelf. To make you blush, laugh, sigh, cry and know without a doubt that you are not alone. I am here to tell you that you can be fully Spiritual, rock your awesome sexual Self, be authentic and unashamed and to start living fully by beginning to play by your own rules.
Maybe we are all like the two ladies having coffee discussing meditation, reiki, rainbow children and all things metaphysical. Maybe they need to hear that it’s ok to lighten up and let your Spiritual path BE your path. They are not separate, these women trying to sound perfect to each other. I meditate, I journal, I get affirmations, I say them, I chant, I yoga, I retreat, I study, I learn… and I also love great sex, cuss a lot, enjoy my wine, an occasional beer or the rare raucous night of Mead and I frequently act super juvenile when out with my bestie. All of that takes me closer to my essential nature. Embracing every aspect of who I am is my journey. To loosen the grip of guilt, shame, fear, doubt and insecurities. This is what my soul came here to do. It came to be me and no amount of Saints, sages, gurus or books know what that is.
This is my path. Who am I? What do I really want? What is MY purpose?
It’s different for all of us and when we finally grasp that understanding, when we finally really get it, then and only then, can we truly live.
It’s not easy yet it’s that simple.
Who are you? What do you really want?
Get out of your routine, explore your dreams, do more of what you love. Do more of who you love! Trust yourself… if I can learn to trust then you can too. Let’s do this… I’m willing if you are so here I go, getting raw, real and vulnerable for us both. Yep, I’ll share it all! Ok, maybe some will remain sacred in the effort to stay away from X-rated, yet I promise to not be shy.
For now I must actually go. I’ll pack up my stuff, walk outside, I’ll look up at that balcony across the street where I fell in love and I’ll hope the sickness that is already rising in my gut will not take me over.
Copyright 2017, Artemis On Fire ~ Raw, Real and Vulnerable