Chris Cornell and my own personal demons. 

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This life is so very fucked up. It feels amazing or it feels like nothing. 
A man who poured his heart out in words, lyrics, emotion and song has apparently taken his own life and I’ve kept all that bottled up inside of me for most of mine. Which is worse? Decades of playing huge or decades of playing small?

Chris Cornell’s last performance 5/17/17 photograph by Ken Settle

I can’t understand this life I just can’t. I can’t wrap my head around how this makes me feel.

I’m not at all commenting like I know this person. It’s simply that when the world faces an iconic loss it hits us each differently. This has hit me deeply and I will sit with those feelings and process them. 

In the past I swept emotions under the rug and plowed through life. It’s created success and turmoil alike.

What I’ve learned from that so far… I sit with my emotions more, I cry more, I live more, I love more.

As a person who dances on the edge of having it all together and totally not giving a shit, I get it.

It’s a delicate dance.

The soundtrack of an era opens floodgates of emotion and the grunge era was mine. To say I’ve fallen on many black days is a colossal understatement. Those days were full of elation, heartbreak, getting fucked up, overcoming deep grief, getting it together, falling apart, making extremely poor choices, making some great decisions and a blurry, whirlwind of concerts.

To describe it as a see-saw life of a creative deep-thinker makes it sound exotic. Maybe that’s it, maybe it’s just life. To think, feel and act deeply in a world that seems shallow and a society that feels contrived and foreign is a bumpy road to say the least.

I’m not making some massive statement here. I’m simply pouring my thoughts out. Not even all of them. My equal strength & weakness. I share my mind and I rarely share my heart. It’s in a rusty cage and I’ve often pretended to be ok when I’m actually running. 

Why do I do everything in my power to be inspired and inspire others? 

Today I’m reminded of my dark days, the days I know will still come and… I see how inspiration, seeking the good and wanting more out of this life is, for me, a very thin shield to protect me from my demons. 

Soundgarden, last performance The Fox Theater in Detroit photography by Ken Settle  

Again, I’m not commenting on his life. I’m feeling my way through my own.

One of the only things that’s seen me through deeply dark parts of my life has been music. Music with lyrics from someone who really has something to say. A something you can grasp onto and face another day.

For those times that it’s been Chris Cornell & Soundgarden … thank you. 

I’m off to find even more out of life, after I sit with this confusion and heartbreak… and maybe one day that will lead to letting love in.

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